I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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