Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just forgot I was standing up.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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