i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How does it feel to date your dad?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
