I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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