Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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