Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
