Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
