I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
