Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
