bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
