): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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