Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
