I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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