I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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