I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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