just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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