I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
