One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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