i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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