Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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