Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That accounts for only three of the penises
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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