It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
