I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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