Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
