can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
