Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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