True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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