im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.