So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.