whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
