I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
