took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
