wat bout pragnant strippers??
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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