11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i permit you to call me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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