My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
