KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
