Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
