I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
