How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
