I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
