So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
