just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
