There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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