i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
