remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
All I want is dick and wine.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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