im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
