I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
