You're my little dorito
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
