now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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