my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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