I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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