Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
