just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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