I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
