I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
