I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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